walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
