I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
