just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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