Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
