Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
