there was a trapeze. enough said
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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