i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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