My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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