We won't sleep together?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
