you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
