my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
