The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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