It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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