he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
