He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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