I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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