I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
