Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
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I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
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She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows