Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
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walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
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I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka