Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?