I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
