Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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