Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
