plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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