It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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