so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Randomize
