I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize