when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
