The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
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You made eat vitamins until I threw up
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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