Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
