I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
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