just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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