I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize