My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
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Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
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