I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
