wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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