someone threw a dead crab at me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
