Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
