he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
my shit smells like andre
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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