I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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