Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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