party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
