TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
