just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
