seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I don't deserve a penis
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
