Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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