Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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