I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
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So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
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you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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