Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
