I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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