Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I can text with my tongue
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
