i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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