I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
