My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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