he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
When are your genitals available?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
