We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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